Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

When I learned that I’d failed the bar in April of 2013, I had actually failed both parts, the substantive part, and the Professional Responsibility part. But I’d only failed the Professional Responsibility part by 1 point, which meant I could request a regrading of up to six essay questions. Well that part was only six essay questions and at first I planned on asking for a regrade of all of them. Then I realized that was a bad idea because the score could go up or down, so I only sent in the three essays that I’d done the worst on. Even though I’d only missed by one point, when regrading I had to actually get an extra point for some reason. I was so thrilled to get the results and learn that after regrading I had passed the Professional Responsibility portion. Now normally when a person passes that portion and not the substantive portion their Professional Responsibility score is good for two years, and all you have to do is pass the substantive part in that two year period. But, since they were changing to the new test, the new passing grade was only good for the next test in July. If I didn’t pass the substantive part then, I would have to retake both parts again. No pressure.

So, I began the long arduous task of relearning all of the subjects for the bar exam. One good thing is that I got to retake the bar prep class for free because I hadn’t passed. Another good thing is that there were multiple choice prep tests that would keep asking the questions in different ways over and over so that the information actually began to sink in. I had several practice test books and used them all. I studied all day and all night, rarely taking a day off. I was eating crap food and drinking lots of wine when I finished studying for the night. I was also sleeping horribly because of my weight and the excess wine drinking. It probably didn’t help my ability to retain information. But I just kept plugging along. I began to get slightly better grades on the practice tests and so I was feeling as if I was starting to learn some of it. I’d survived until the first pension payment came in, which was something to be grateful for because the federal government was way behind in processing retirement applications since so many controllers had retired since the Bush years. But after I failed the February bar exam, I was afraid to use my 401K money to pay off bills when it came in because I didn’t know if I was going to pass the bar in July either. So, I used the money to supplement my pension payments so I could keep up to date on my bills each month. I would later regret this decision, but it made sense at the time.

This time around when it came time to head to the hotel I decided against rooming with anyone even though it would have saved me money. I just wanted to hunker down and study whenever I felt like it and not worry if I was disturbing a roommate if I got up at 4am to study. I felt pretty good after the essay portion that began the test. Then the next day I felt okay after the morning session of multiple choice questions. But after the afternoon session I was not feeling as confident….there were 100 multiple choice questions in each section. Each question had two answers that were essentially correct, but you had to pick the one that was MORE correct. I was pretty sure I’d answered at least five of the hundred questions correctly in the afternoon session. Sigh. But I knew that there was nothing I could do about it at that point so I tried to put it out of my mind. We were supposed to get our results on Friday, September 13. Seriously, getting your bar results on Friday the 13th? Who is the evil person that comes up with this stuff?

It was so great to wake up in the morning and immediately worry about what I had to accomplish that day, only to discover each day that I had absolutely NOTHING that I had to accomplish each day. I probably should have tried to start exercising and working on trying to take the weight off, but I was pretty apathetic at that point. Prior to taking the bar I’d had a conversation with my best friend who told me that she was going to have weight loss surgery. I’d always thought of that as something that was a last resort and I couldn’t see myself doing it, especially because it would completely change the way I ate for the rest of my life. But the fact that she’d decided to do it made me think more carefully about it and start to do research on it. I’d had a doctor tell me that I should have the surgery after I’d talked to her for about five minutes the first time I met her and it made me so angry that she told me that without knowing anything about me. But I knew that I had to consider it. I realized I’d been dieting for 40 years and there is that saying that “insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.”

My daughter and I went to England for a week and met friends there. And then my daughter and I  took the train and the ferry across to Ireland and spent two weeks driving all around southern Ireland. I figured that if I did pass the bar and got a job I wouldn’t have time for quite a while to take such a trip. I loved the trip. But I was so overweight and out of shape that I couldn’t enjoy it as much as I would have liked. I also cringe when I see the pictures from that trip. We went to lots of music events and Alex and I both had a Guinness at the Guinness brewery. It was such a beautiful land and I remember several times coming over a rise and seeing all of the different shades of green stretched out across the horizon, ending in a beautiful coastline. Both of us would gasp in delight. We had really no reservations except for the first night and the last night in Dublin. We’d decide where we were going to drive that day and look for a bed and breakfast for the night. That almost made us sleep in the car the first night on the road because everywhere we looked was booked solid. But one of the owners of a bed and breakfast called around all of the places nearby and finally found one and booked it for us. It was such a sweet thing to do. We never had a problem finding lodging for the rest of the trip. I loved the Irish people. Everyone we met had such a great sense of humor that I loved interacting no matter where we went. I’d wanted to go to Ireland for my whole life, and the trip was well worth the wait. My daughter and I looked at places that were for sale and talked about how great it would be to live there.

But eventually the fantasy trip ended, and when we returned home I came back to the knowledge that I had no idea if I’d passed the bar, I had no idea where to find a job if I did pass the bar, and I was the fattest I’d ever been. Welcome back to reality. Something had to change.