There is a difference between knowing that you want to get divorced and actually putting it in motion. The straw that broke the camel’s back was when my husband came to me and told me that there was an opening in Seattle for his next billet but he didn’t want to put in for that job because he’d already done that job and he wanted to teach. The teaching positions were in Alaska or California. I interpreted this as an indication that his job was more important to him than his family. At this point I pretty much gave up on making anything work. I had, once again, gone on another liquid diet and was thin and healthy. I had hired a personal trainer and was in phenomenal shape. I think a part of me was already working on making myself attractive to the opposite sex. I made new friends and went out with them. My husband was in school and trying to finish his master’s degree and we occupied the same space, but spent almost no time together.
When my husband got word that he had been selected for the Kenai Peninsula in Alaska for two years he came to me and asked me what that would mean for our marriage. I told him right then that it wouldn’t mean anything good and I saw his choice as evidence of how little concern he had about being with my daughter and me. He seemed surprised and immediately started working on getting a different assignment. It was too little, too late as far as I was concerned. He managed to get a new assignment to Alameda, California for a year, but in my mind the writing was on the wall. I just had no idea how to broach the subject of divorce. I was scared that once the subject came out in the open I would lose all control of what would happen. My main concern was how our divorce would affect my daughter. I really didn’t think that my husband would be unreasonable, because it wasn’t in his nature. But divorce changes people and when everyone else gets involved their “well-meaning” advice often complicates things.
As the time for my husband’s departure grew near I was looking forward to him being out of the house. The first time he had been stationed away from us I was terrified that I wouldn’t be able to do everything myself. But I’d managed. And when he returned and didn’t take back on any of the daily responsibilities that I’d had to do while he was gone, I realized that I could do fine without him. So, this time around I was looking forward to getting the house to myself and having complete control over what would happen with my daughter.
When I look back on it now I realize how cold I probably was to him during this time. Despite my realization that I couldn’t change who he was, there was a part of me that was still hurt and angry that he’d seemingly chosen a job over me. Perhaps it was echoes of my feeling that my father had chosen a new family over me that made it hard for me to forgive. But I had also already moved on in my head and all that was left were the negotiations and the paperwork as far as I was concerned.
I was lifting weights on a regular basis and I was muscular and enjoying feeling attractive and healthy. I had a new group of friends from the gym that went out to karaoke with me pretty regularly. When I was home I avoided my husband as much as possible, probably because I was trying to avoid any questions about our future. As much as I was pretty certain I wanted a divorce I was afraid to tip that first domino because I wasn’t sure what pattern would emerge as the rest of them fell. I think a part of me wanted to wait until he had been away for a while and then to bring it up like it was something that I’d realized after he left. Yes, I was being very cowardly.
I had entered a karaoke competition at a local restaurant and I was in the finals. I hadn’t really mentioned it to my husband except in passing because it was something that I was doing in my “new life.” On the night of the finals, about a month before he was to leave, I got ready and went out pretty quickly. I knew that he expected me to invite him, but I didn’t want to. I sat with several of my new friends as the competition got started. About an hour into the evening I looked up as my husband walked into the room. I’m pretty sure that my displeasure at his arrival must have shown on my face. I felt like he was intruding. I realize this was completely unfair of me, but it’s how I felt at the time. He sat down in an empty seat and I spoke to him briefly, but then went on sitting with my friends. Any time he spoke to me I responded, but I didn’t continue the conversation.
Finally, after the competition was over and several of my friends had left my husband came over and sat down next to me. He turned to me and asked? “Do you love me?” I froze for a moment. I had no desire to deal with this. It’s what I had been avoiding for weeks. But I also realized that it would be crazy not to take advantage of the opportunity that had presented itself, and I just couldn’t bring myself to lie and pretend anymore. So, I said, “I do, but not in the way a wife is supposed to love a husband.” Within moments we were both in tears. He didn’t seem surprised at all at my response. He immediately started talking about divorce. I took this as evidence that he figured our marriage was doomed as well. His biggest concern was that our daughter continue to have a relationship with him. I told him that was completely within his control as I had no desire to keep him from her or her from him. We sat in that restaurant until they closed, both crying and talking for the first time in a long time.
We decided not to tell our daughter that we were going to get divorced. It was my idea because I was worried that she would make it much worse in her head than the reality. I figured if she just thought he was leaving for his job, she would get to see what it would really be like for him to be separate from us, but without all of the worries about divorce. Then when she later learned that he was actually going to move out, she would know that he would still come to see her and she wouldn’t be as worried. I found a nanny, and he left for California and my daughter had no idea that we were legally separated.
I was thin and in shape and I felt really good. I joined dating websites and began to meet men. But eventually I stopped working out and little by little the weight started to creep back on. Some things never change…